Left behind

My pragmatic self knows fully well that life is not a race. We’re all exactly where we’re meant to be, doing what we’re destined to do. I know this. I understand this. But, for some reason my mind in its moments of space bubbles, tends to go into a semi dark loop of unhappiness. Unknowingly, I find myself comparing my present life situation to people around me. Social media plays it’s part perfectly, reminding me of the things, I could have been doing had things worked out a certain way for me. Reality of life is that things don’t necessarily pan out the way we had imagined. Some of us do get left behind.

Having been unemployed for a little over eighteen weeks, I have had a lot of time to wallow in self-pity. To be reflective, to be naive, to be in denial, to go down the rabbit hole of anxiety, it’s been a rather interesting range of emotions there. Special mention, to the people who have had to listen to my rants and bear with my emotional outbursts, thank you.

This isn’t a fun place to be in, mentally. Because, we want success, and happiness for our loved ones. We want to celebrate each of their achievements, their big moments, be a part of their joy. However, amidst all the champagne and cake and innumerable celebratory brunches, I find a sense of hollow, left behindness taking over. I am pretty sure, I am not the only one who finds themselves in this particular predicament, there are others too, but we’re afraid to verbalize it. Lest, we come across as bad people, unable to be happy for our closest. Believe me, I am happy. My feeling of inadequacy has nothing to do with what you have; it simply poses its self as a reminder of what I don’t.

Someone once told me, the easiest way to set your self up for disappointment is to have a five-year plan. I laughed, because I am all about the five-year plans, typed out, in a binder, with bullet points and a PowerPoint presentation. I like to plan, and work towards mini goals; it’s what gives me a sense of purpose. Yet, I got left behind.

When I look around and see the careers that my friends are having, the places they are vacationing at or even the stage in their personal lives that they are at. I can’t help but feel as though I lost this race. I tell myself, I had to restart my career and life when I moved back to India, and so I am allowed to be a little behind. This rationale doesn’t last for very long. It’s overtaken by a sense of being trapped, a sense of having to walk in the opposite direction of the current, a lack of control coupled with the uncertainty of the future. I wish there was a switch I could hit, as soon as I start tumbling down that abyss, but there isn’t one, and I have to force myself out of that headspace. It’s almost expected that, I shouldn’t be in that headspace. Being an extrovert on most days, I am expected to be a hundred percent enthusiastic about everything. Truth is some days, I cant. There are days, where all I can think about are those exact moments, decisions that have brought me here, to this very moment.

I would sound ungrateful if I didn’t acknowledge the great things that have happened to me the opportunities, and the support that I have received. I have been told, how lucky I was to get to leave the country and follow my heart. A lot of people I know were denied that, and I am grateful for the little things that I take for granted. It’s all about perspective in the end, from where I am sitting, I feel left behind. Someone else, probably feels the same looking at how far I have come?

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